Tag Archives: joint eaters

A Modern Bestiary

It’s been some time since I was able to post anything here. Magical murder and mayhem… what can I tell you? Some days, it takes up all my time.

Fairies! Faugh! Trouble on the wing!                     1126931186_imefairy32

Perhaps the most useful thing to do would be to provide you with information about the Fae themselves, or at least the ones you are likely to encounter here. Those, like me, who were swept up by Titania’s cataclysm and stranded here.


                                 But not this sort of invented nonsense!

While there are many Fae who did not survive that hard landing, and others still who never made it out of Faerie, a great many different varieties did. They’ve been changed, of course, by their experiences here, but the basics remain the same. And lately I have seen other bloggers doing an A to Z tour of their obsessions…er, subjects of interest.


        No! Not the Phoenician alphabet! Does that look phonic to you?

I’ll be using the Roman alphabet, and therefore moving literally from A to Z.  I cannot promise to post items daily but perhaps we can start with a creature once little known but now distressingly common here.  I refer to the

             Alpluachra joint eater

We were discussing invisible creatures, after all, in my last post, and this is one such.  It is entirely invisible on all spectrums, including the magical, and it has no choice in the matter. The image shown above, therefore, is a work of the imagination. The true alpluachra cannot be said to actually have a physical appearance.  Therefore the image shown below is also well off the mark.

alpluachra photo form  More like Bride of Chthulu, I’d say.

This Fae is also known as a Joint-eater or a Just-halver.  These names are related to its nasty habits, but are somewhat misleading.  It does not feed on its victims’ joints, or on the person it infests at all.  No.  It moves in when a human falls asleep by the side of a spring or waterway.  It is said to appear in the form of a newt and crawls down the victim’s throat.  Once settled in, it proceeds to feed on the food its victim has already eaten.

So…something of a cross between a tapeworm and a salamander.

 The red newt’s rather cute!  red newt

tapeworm head   The tapeworm, less so…

The process is painless at first. The human host is never even aware of these parasitic Fae until they begin to grow and reproduce. Then the victim develops a pain in the side and insatiable hunger.  The multiplying alpluachras wriggle like mad while the human host becomes ever more emaciated.  Eventually the victim dies of starvation no matter how much he or she eats.  Perhaps you’ve seen such. I’m told they are quite common in the Horn of Africa these days.


This man might well be the victim of a Joint-Eater.  Or of senseless human political systems you won’t find in Faerie.

They’re changing, of course.  It’s the Madison Avenue hype, I believe, and the endless advertising of food and other consumer goods, all of it mixed up with images of sexual import.  This, for instance, is an ad I’ve seen in Los Angeles, where the Unseelie Court is now conducting a thriving business, deliberately infesting starlets with weight control problems:

new newt

None too appetizing, I’d say, but hey – tell it to all the wannabe Kardashians!

So how does one get rid of these alpluachras?  It’s actually pretty simple.  Salty snacks will do the job.  You eat enough pretzels, potato chips, or peanuts and then all you have to do is doze off next to another water source.  The pests will get even thirstier than you are and go for the rehydration option.  Meanwhile, the snacks will restore your spare tire.

The criminal aspects of all this, however, remain the subject of debate among the Fallen.  Humans, too.  As I’ve noted, some of this is voluntary.  Yech!